If there could have been a better word prompt for the first day after starting this new site, I don’t know what it would have been. On an overwhelming number of days, I awaken with enthusiasm, new resolve, a determination that today will be different. You know how you feel on January 1st? I’m not talking about the headache, the hangover, the lack of sleep, if that’s the result of your New Year’s Eve celebration. Rather, the feeling that this is the beginning of that great cosmic do-over. If I start my diet, my exercise plan, my resolution to be on time, to quit my job, get a new job, be neater, drive more carefully, save for retirement… today on the first day of the year, then surely I’ll be successful this time.
But this new-year-feeling that lingers in my mind most mornings while I drink my coffee and read my book, look out the window at the sunrise and listen to the chirping of early birds (who really do get the worm), almost invariably fades and doubt raises its white flag demanding surrender of such foolishness. That sniveling little demon that rides on my shoulder has awakened.
“No way,” it says, “that you will succeed this time, or any other time. I doubt you can even maintain your resolutions for a few hours. So give up already and save yourself the disappointment of failing AGAIN!”
I once told a friend who struggled with depression and was resisting going into the hospital once again that she was not a failure because she needed to seek more treatment, but should instead give herself a great deal of credit for picking herself up over and over and never giving up. Oh, my goodness, is advice easy to give and hard to take! I want to give up this morning, delete this site from cyberspace and pretend I never really meant to do it. But I’m not. I’ll give it a few more hours, another day, maybe even a week. Perhaps that demon will get tired or sick or, can I dare to hope, raise its own white flag and disappear.